SIDESTORY: TEAM SMASHMOUTH UNICORN PUKE PART I

There had been a certain sense of angst dwelling in Xander. Restlessness, eagerness to move forward with his life from this chapter but being penned in, waiting for a verdict. Time and time again, the officials didn’t give Xander what he wanted. Maybe in the past, Xander would take it upon himself to force the issue by knocking some skulls together, listening to the cranium lobe break with a loud crack. How about a fan? Scaring a young boy who came to cheer on his favorite Disney wrestling princess. But he had put things in perspective. The fans. The officials. The ring workers. They didn’t have anything to do with this vendetta. They were innocent. They had no attachment to Xander’s desire for revenge. He shouldn’t expect them to. That was entitlement and he had left that behind. That was arrogance and he had no need for that. Stop. Breathe. Breathe. Think. There had to be something proactive to do, why else did he show up to Breakdown? There had to be something he could do to get to James sooner. To get closer to the World Championship. There had to be but he had no answers.

But that didn’t mean Xander wasn’t grumpy like he had perpetually woke up on the wrong side of the bed. In fact, Xander felt extra cranky like someone had pissed in his wheaties every morning. He had every right to be. He had unfinished business competing against the dwindling sands of an hourglass. He didn’t have the luxury to wait. He was running out of space on this departure land, if he didn’t take flight now, he surely would crash. And it would be ugly. So when Dillusion, an old familiar face, stepped into the backstage lounge that had been set up for VIP for sporting events, now claimed by members of the SCW roster, Xander didn’t pay him any heed, too busy stewing in his thoughts. Dillusion had his responsibilities as a road agent. The man still showed loyalty to Xander but Xander didn’t understand why. Xander never did a damn thing for the man but somehow Dillusion fostered warmness towards him. He always thought that was bizarre, slightly creepy even.

But today, Dillusion shot across the room. Television screens chattered with the excitement unfolding on Breakdown. A few others tried to catch Dillusion’s attention but he was a man on a mission, hustling until he reached the far corner, seats vacant except for Xander and Hunter. A hand landed on Xander’s shoulder, making Xander jump. Xander’s instant reaction was to take the hand, turn it towards the wrist, effectively blading it to make Dillusion laugh in pain. Always the masochist, Dillusion’s eyes watered but he grinned wide.

“Man, don’t sneak up on me like that. I could have hurt you,” Xander warned. He rolled his eyes when he realized who was speaking to. Xander immediately released the hold. Most men would have waved the hand, trying to ward off the lingering pain to another dimension. Not Dillusion, he was an odd fellow. With both his hands free again, he placed them on Xander’s shoulder. “Can I help you?”

“Xandy. Xander. Don’t treat an old friend like that. We’re still friends, aren’t we? We’ve been through thick and thin, though jello and bondage. Remember that time you whooped my ass in the ring because I really needed a good kick to jumpstart my main event run? That was good times, buddy. Good times. Well I’ve come to call in your debt to me. You once told me if I ever needed a favor, you’d do it for me,” Dillusion said. He nodded eagerly when Xander shook his head in confusion. Xander took each hand, one at a time, and moved them off his person. He dusted his shoulders to convey a point that was obviously lost by his former comrade.

“I never said that.”

“But you didn’t have to. You thought about it.”

“I didn’t.”

“Of course, you did. At least, I thought you thought you did and that counts.”

“What?”

“Exactly!”

Xander offered up a deep sigh. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Just get to the point. You’re hurting my head. What the hell do you want? Can’t you see that I—”

Dilllusion interrupted, maintaining his whimsical tone, “— that you’re busy acting moody like a teenage dirtbag who lost his girlfriend after he made the unwise decision of trying to nose his first love to orgasm. Yes, yes. You cleared out this corner of the room because no one wants to be around you. But I don’t think you’re a loser, buddy. I really don’t! I think you’re a grade-A winner and winners are cool. And cool cats help out their favorite sidekicks and/or murder their millionaire husbands.”

“What is his malfunction?” Hunter questioned. She had her jaw dropped during the entire exchange. Not only had Dillusion’s audacity shocked her, the fact that Dillusion made Xander speechless entertained her. She expected him to punch the clown in the nose but Xander kept his composure. Unbeknownst to her, Xander concluded such violence would only encourage Dillusion.

Noticing Xander’s female accomplice narrowed her eyes with suspicion towards him, Dillusion offered her a wink. He noted that she had a twinkle in her eyes. He had that effect on mentally unstable women and small children at birthday parties. Both groups loved balloon animals.

“He’s creeping me out. Doesn’t he have a job to do?” Hunter shivered.

“Don’t pay him any mind. He’s simply a weirdo, Hunter. I think as a child he got into the cabinet underneath the sink and drank some bleach.”

“Not bleach, windex. The blue coloring lied to me, it didn’t take like raspberries,” Dillusion explained. Dillusion had a number of backstories, but that one had a special warmth in his scarred esophagus. He breathed heavily for a moment. “People…  don’t get me going. I love nostalgia as much as the next basement dweller but I came here with a purpose. I need you to make me a solid, big guy.”

“If you slap me on the chest, I’m going to break your hand,” Xander warned. Dillusion slowly brought his hand right above his pectoral but stopped, an inch.

“Not touching you!” Dillusion cried. Xander wasn’t amused. “Alright, alright. Enough catch up, laughing about old times. Haha. There’s a very special girl who could use your help. Only you can help her out. Seeing how you’re going through your redemption character arc, it’s a win-win. You get to win brownie points with karma and she gets the assistance he greatly needs!”

“I’m not running a charity. I don’t have the time.”

“You didn’t even let me explain her tragic backstory, trust me, it’s a tearjerker. But if you want the cliff notes, let’s just say that I would be very grateful if you make this girl’s dreams come true,” Dillusion knelt down, twisting his hands together, while trying to look up at Xander with puppy eyes. Xander glanced away. He didn’t want to see a grown man act that way. He peeked back to see if Dillusion was done, but he had slimpy sunk lower to the ground, crouching and contorting his body. 

“I don’t do make-a-wish.”

“Come on. COME ON. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for me!”

Xander tilted his head back. He knew he could spend an eternity denying Dillusion’s request with the man never taking ‘no’ for an answer. He made eye contact with Hunter. She gave him the look. The look that had directed him to making every goodhearted decision. After all, Xander had helped out a few people in recent history. And he had been rewarded. Maybe by fulfilling an old friend’s request and helping out this woman in need, he would find a bit more of what he was missing. That emptiness in his heart. He only had been made aware of the void when finally a little bit of it had been filled. Now conscious, he wanted closure in this life because sooner than later, he was going to shred this mortal coil. He didn’t want any regrets. 

“That’s right, big guy. I know you’re thinking about it. I know you’re considering. Let me just say, if you say ‘yes’, you give a cat its wings.”

“What?” Hunter’s face crumpled up in a confused cringe.

“Who’s the girl?” Xander submitted. If Dillusion felt the need to approach Xander and ask a favor, she had to be in some sort of deep shit. Right? “I might help.”

“That’s the Xander that no one knows and has no idea exists! Brillant! Fantastismo! Cowabunga!” Dillusion popped back up. He slipped out a party popper and fired thin confetti  in Xander’s face. Xander immediately regretted his decision. “Okay. Okay. Real talk. She’s my protégé. She has dreams though and only you can make them a reality, big boy. Now, she was right over there but I think she got lost again. So when I find her again, promise you will take good care of her. Okie?”

“What am I getting myself into?” Xander pondered aloud.

“Trust me, you’re about to embark on a grand adventure where you will find the answers to those lingering questions up in that noggin. You’re all going to grow together. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll make new friends and find new enemies. Roll a D20 for initiative!” Dillusion reminded Xander why he didn’t associate with Dillusion. During the fog that was his years was Abbandon and the New Blood Rebellion, he had to be insane to keep company with such an annoying man.

Xander looked back at Hunter. She shrugged. He swore she loved seeing this. When he turned back, Dillusion had disappeared. He darted around, searching for the man. He caught a glimpse of Dillusion waving from the doorway and disappearing. He groaned. Hunter patted him on the shoulder, trying to console him. He had no clue what he had signed up for. He sat down, feeling like he had accepted a heavy burden. 

He had no idea how true that was.



But Xander never met the girl. Dillusion never returned. Xander never received any texts from Dillusion, who had the honor of being one of six names in Xander’s contacts. He did work with Xander on his return from the last nasty concussion that hung up him for some weeks. That left a lingering question in Xander’s head, nagging him, dogging him even.

On the flight back to Colorado, Xander thought what was so important that Dillusion needed his help. A few times in the flight, Hunter must have noticed; she placed her hand on his forearm, leaned her head onto his arm while he stared out the window. Who was she? What trouble did she find herself in? How could Xander help her when he can barely help himself? For once, he allowed himself to be distracted by an inflight movie, a horror film that attempts at being scared made him chuckle quietly. He had never thought to watch movies, television, or any of that shit but living with fairly normal people introduced him to the realm of everyday entertainment. He still couldn’t get into video games. Even the sports games weren’t an escape for him as it was quite annoying when after every session, he needed to order another controller from Amazon. His rage seemed to come out in that moment, raw and unadulterated, smashing the small innocent device at his feet. He hated to admit that it was a release in the moment, an outpouring of all that he bottled up while trying to be a member of society. A good employee. A good coworker. A good parent. He had demands on him that he never accepted before but he found… comfort with that.

Purpose. Meaning. Whatever you call it, it helped sedate his demons. 

That night, lying in his bed with Hunter at his side, he couldn’t sleep. She purred. What has been the most recent development in their relationship, she used Xander’s arm as a pillow between her legs. She occasionally nuzzled against him only in her sleep. Yet his eyes remained wide open, watching the ceiling fan spin into oblivion. Again, the question chased his thoughts. Who was she? What did she need? He did mention she was his protégé. That made him wonder if she was actively trying to break into the business. Maybe she was too raw, maybe burned with a lot of baggage. He imagined SCW management not wanting to take on any of Dillusion’s students, assuming that they were completely unsafe and untrained. Knowing the man, Dillusion’s training regime probably included pointless scavenger hunts, indoctrination of obscure media, and an all-high-fructose-corn-syrup-and-ice-cream diet. She would be woefully prepared for the ring against opponents and the lifestyle of a professional wrestler. SCW, especially, since it was the highest level of competition in the sport. He shivered. Maybe Xander found some luck, Dillusion got some mushrooms from Gio and imagined a protégé into existence.

Wouldn’t that be great?

Besides, he was the last person to come to for guidance. His entire life had been a trainwreck caught in slow motion. He understood he should shrug the encounter as some random moment of Dill. Go to sleep. Forget about it, Xander. But after all he had been through recently, he held a new preceptive. He found his calling. Do Only Good Everyday. That was the mantra he lived by, instilled in him by his therapist. He had shrugged off that as something corny, but caught himself trying to live by those words. And each day, he tried to follow that tough ask. It somehow made living feel a little bit less guilty.

Xander sat up, trying to shake the thoughts out of his head. He gently freed his arm, replacing it with a pillow. He then ventured out into the darkness that was his new home. Once in the kitchen, he poured himself a glass of water. Looking out the back window at his property, the moonlight doused everything in silvery light. Then he saw her. A girl stood there. She stared right at him in a white dress that the wind played with.


“What the fuck?” Xander spoke but choked on the water that was in his mouth. He spat out the meaning mouthful in the sink. He coughed, trying to get the water out from his lungs. He steadied his breathing. He looked up, expecting nothing, but still she stood. She wasn’t his imagination. He had taken his pills. He hadn’t experienced hallucinations in several years

“You gotta be kidding me,” he muttered. He flicked on the flood lights, casting the immediate area behind his house in a sea of blinding light. Without hesitation, he hurried out the back door, minding himself to kick on his muddy work boots. He ran to the spot he had sworn he saw her, but there wasn’t anyone. Maybe he was seeing things, his mind playing tricks while he over thought Dillusion’s odd request. But a branch snapped nearby, catching his attention. He caught a figure in the words. He knew how stupid it was to go running in there without any light. Roots rose up, one could trip easily. Plus there’s the case of the nocturnal wildlife of the Rockies, ready to pronounce on unexpecting fools. So he had to chase after her. She was an idiot for being out there in the middle of the night.

Constantly knocking branches out of the way, ignoring the sting of them breaking skin. He journeyed through the words, chasing a ghostly figure ahead of him. The girl started humming a children’s song, an odd melody that sent chills up his spine. This has to be an elaborate prank. Still he chased, fearing that she was going to get lost and eaten by the wolves that howled in the distance. They came up over a hill. He swore he caught up to her but then she vanished. He lost sight of her but still the humming led him deeper. Finally, he came to a clearing in the forest. He should see her there but nothing but tall grass. The moon graced the surroundings with its light. He had to be able to see her!

“La… la… laaaaadeela!”

The melody came as a forced whisper. He drew closer to the source.

“LA… LA… LAAAADEELA… KAME-HA-ME—”

The singing grew loud and clear. He had to be on top of her. He attempted to swim through the grass, trying to see where she hid.

“— HA!” Something sprung up right in front of him. His initial reaction is to throw a punch, so he did. His fist met something hard then soft. The girl looked at him with wide eyes, offered up a broken smile with blood gushing from her nose before toppling over. The singing stopped while she lost consciousness. He caught her in time.

“God damn it!” He yelled. He panted, trying to catch his breath. A fever washed over his body, concern for the possibility he murdered a girl. Cold sweat beaded across his flesh. Between his panting, he managed, “Stupid!”

Suppressing his outrage for the time being, he tossed the girl over his shoulder. He carried her back to the house and laid across his couch. The commotion awoke Hunter who hurried into the room, gasping at the sight of a woman in bloodstained white dress. He held a damp cloth against her nose, trying to stop the bleeding. He might had broken her nose.

“What happened?” Hunter asked.

“I don’t know. She was there. Then I followed. Then she jumped out at me and then… this,” Xander tried to understand how he got into this mess.
“You didn’t kill her, did you?”

“The fuck I know. She’s still breathing.”

“Heehee!” broke the tension. She popped right up into a seated position. Xander almost punched her again in surprise but stopped himself in time to save the girl from another knockout blow.

“Who the fuck do you think you are,” Xander exclaimed.

“HEEELLLO! I’m Ducky! Nice to meetcha! Dilly sent me for super special training!”

Xander could only mutter the following words: “The fuck he did.”